Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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