I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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