So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
