Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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