My hand turned me down
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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