the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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