Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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