i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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