found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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