I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
well you can't waste a boner
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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