Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
