in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
