Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
