I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
