Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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