see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
