So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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