Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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