dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
