On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
