all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
