Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
