she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
