I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
