dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
