Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
