Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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