Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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