the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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