he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You ruined the universe
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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