my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
