her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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