Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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