Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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