I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How does one acquire holy water?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
