i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
