who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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