anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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