Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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