if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
