I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
