i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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