ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We have started to decorate penises.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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