Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
