: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
