Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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