I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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