my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
