The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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