My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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