Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
